Dear 2020
Dear 2020,
You were a tough one. Kinda remarkable, ‘cause you came right after 2019 — the one year I’ve dedicated myself to an escapade.
When I try to recollect and examine this huge chunk of blur you’ve quickly become, what comes to mind immediately is lots and lots of time spent alone — at least emotionally, if not physically — walking in nature, gazing at skies, feeling nostalgic, fearing uncertainty, yearning for human connection.
I wrote religiously in an attempt to dissect, digest, and process the overwhelming thoughts that would flood my mind sporadically. After days of turbulence came a moment of silence, but not long after, the door would get kicked open. What I hoped to be a quick fever sometimes lasted for weeks. Thoughts dance around all night, and enter, some uninvited yet frequented guests: confusion, irritation, obscure despair, and episodic claustrophobia.
Each time the mind gets loud, I’d frantically try to analyze the situation and look for the silver lining to turn imperfections into lessons. Sometimes, I managed to unearth the moral of the day. But others, beneath the sheet was a void. Despite my earnest efforts to make a point out of each case, the what, how and why to many things puzzled me. Heck, the very thought that I’ll never know what living in Hogan 6D with my senior sweetmates will have been like is heart-wrenching.
In juxtaposition to the years leading to it, 2020 felt like a sudden halt; at times, even like moving backward. However, it was also only after going back to square one that I could see things from afar. Only then could I empty out old possessions, habits, relationships, thought patterns, and ways of life to make space for new. Only then could I earn the hard understanding that absolutely nothing is to be thought of as normal. As unnatural as it was to stay away from humans, only after keeping a safe distance were I able to create a safe space for myself to remove, empty, and gain clarity.
In hindsight, what felt like a step backward may have been just a temporary retreat for a long marathon.
2020, you sure were a tough one, but I will call you tough love.