On Losing Oneself.
Most people who know me KNOW that I'm a people person. It's not just "I like meeting new people"; we're talking "it is my preference to have breakfast lunch & dinner each with different people everyday" kinda seriousness😅 And yet for the past year, I've been straight-up antisocial. I can count the number of days I'd voluntarily talked to anyone besides my family. I felt intimidated by texts and calls from my closest friends.
All of this is completely out of character for me.
It's not that I didn't miss my friends. In fact, I miss friends and professors and acquaintances and literally everyone I've crossed paths with so much that I can happily listen to what happened in their lives down to the minute-level. But I still couldn't talk to them. Any interaction that'd presumably lead to explaining "how I was" overwhelmed me.
I've been feeling like a stranger to myself for far too long to call it a phase. It was only after a recent TED Interview that I could make some sense of it. Apparently, I was experiencing trauma. For someone quite consistently peppy and positive like myself, it was the last thing I'd expected. But frankly, I never felt more relieved. I found the explanation, validation, and consolation I needed.
Nothing absurd happened. I didn’t change. It's just, no one is immune to mental health challenges.
*
To my dear friends I've lost contact with in the pandemic,
I'm sorry we lost touch. Maintaining a LD friendship is no walk in the park. I think what makes it hard is that we no longer have ready access to knowing what the other is going through. And we may interpret the absence of contact in vastly different ways.
It's been tough to accept that things will be different moving forward. But we probably will move on and get used to our new realities: the absence. Wherever or whenever it is, one thing I promise is that I'll never let go of this thread of connection. It might not be every week, or even every year. But you've been a part of my life, which means I have a piece of you with me in some shape or form. Whether that's a new habit, an idea, or just a fond memory together—I will have it with me to carry for the rest of my life.
Thank you.