Move Slow to Move Fast — A college student’s journey through quarantine
If I recall the first few weeks since the lockdown in New York City and the East Coast, my days were blotted with a mixture of emotions. Some days, I’d wake up utterly unmotivated to even flick a finger; then, suddenly feel a burst of joy mid-day. Other days, I’d go to bed resolved to pick myself up and make the next day my best day yet, only waking up to feel like the day’s bound to go the same way again.
I felt unproductive, unsettled, uneasy, unmotivated, uncomfortable. But, I couldn’t point a finger to why this was the case. I had the fortune to have shelter, food, clothing, and most other basic necessities, but for some reason still felt quite unstable. The louder the voice inside my mind that shouted “there’s no time to fool around!” grew, the stronger I felt a sense of resistance.
As the tug of war between my own thoughts continued, I made a verdict to once and for all take a step back and analyze why I was flooded with a range of all these emotions. I took myself out of my own head and analyzed my behaviors and inner voices objectively.
After a good deal of introspection, I concluded that the main causes of my incomprehensible behaviors, which manifested as “lethargy” and “anxiety,” were the following two:
The pressure to be productive and “make the most out of this time” while not feeling entirely stable due to a sense of uncertainty about the future, combined with dwelling on the past (what-ifs).
Lack of energy outlets and physical activity.
When the root causes of the problem are deeply intertwined with your identity (note: I cherish my time and love doing something valuable with it. & I am an extremely extroverted, high-energy person), the solutions cannot be a quick fix. I’d like to share some of the ways I’ve discovered were the keys to seeing myself out of one of the toughest times in life.
Solution #1: First, it was with a sobering realization that life was never predictable nor controllable, to begin with. All the structures we’ve accustomed ourselves to were imposed on by humankind. This entire society is built upon assumptions, conventions, and unwritten rules developed over centuries. There is no certain way life is supposed to unfold.
Solution #2: Then, I decided to curate each day, sometimes even each moment, with lots of care and effort.
It was not uncommon to find myself spending the first half of the day in not the most ideal way I’d pictured the night before. And, when the spontaneity and unpredictability variable is completely eliminated due to social isolation, you get a picture of the next X months looking like a duplicate of the previous day. For someone like me, whose source of energy comes from the serendipitous nuggets of joy driven by interactions with humans, it was simply overwhelming — even suffocating — to think that a mundane, predictable future lies ahead.
Here, I realized the key is to take it one day, or better yet, one second at a time. It is not the end of the day just because you started it on a bad note. Every second is an opportunity to turn the world around. You have the agency to make a decision for how the future will look like, each literal second.
In a similar vein, I walked outdoors savoring the beauty of the trees, clouds, and the sky. I took the time to connect with nature, and appreciated the beauty of it. I couldn’t control the fact that the gym would be closed indefinitely. I couldn’t control the fact that the exercise mat I had ordered on Amazon was experiencing a delay in delivery by 3 weeks. Walking along the 1-mile-long parking lot outdoors for 1–2 hours a day was the scope of physical activity I had access to, so I just capitalized on my given circumstances. I found solutions within the scope of what I had control over. It sometimes would bore out of my mind to think that I’ll be walking the same 1-mile track over and over again for the next X weeks. However, back to my second point — I did not agonize over what hasn’t even happened yet. I conquered one monster at a time, one day at a time. I just put in my best effort each day to make a beautiful perfect day. And it was fueled with focusing on gratitude and what is controllable.
Solution #3: Next, I didn’t force myself to do anything productive. I allowed myself to do nothing. After a while, not doing anything got boring, so I found things I can enjoy doing, nothing that I felt a repulsion against executing on.
It was another reminder that happiness lies in the smallest things around us. Indulging myself to loud music on headphones. Dancing and laughing at myself. Cooking and baking. Video-calling my grandpa. Having fika (Shoutout to the old wisdom of Danes and Swedes).
Instead of not doing anything productive, I also stopped doing things that were truly unproductive. I stopped consuming what other people are doing on social media. I promise you, the fastest way to dissatisfaction is seeing others taking on their quarantine glow-up challenge, or raising $1M in funding for their startup ventures during this time. Once I cut out the noises around the world and *tuned into myself*, I instantly had more mental clarity. I realized that I will come to these “productive” actions when I want to. ‘It is not what I need now. What I need for my unique situation now is different.’ were some important reminders for myself. I focused on what’s most important for me in my unique case.
Solution #4: I didn’t judge myself for not doing anything.
As with most high achievers (or workaholics, or products of capitalism, or foolish mortals), I, too, was afraid of not being productive. More specifically, I was scared that if I am not productive for so long that I will no longer be an achiever.
However, it was imperative to take a step back. First. Nothing is a dichotomy. We are humans. And for goodness’ sake, we were in the middle of a global pandemic. It was absolutely normal to be abnormal in abnormal times. I had to let go of the fear, and the judgment against myself.
But most importantly, it was through unconditional love for myself. Not judging myself, not berating myself. Being gentle to myself, being the greatest advocator for myself.
At the end of the day, all we have is our mind. Our reality is dictated by our minds. As intimidating it may feel, the first crucial step is always to be self-aware. Face yourself. I had faced what I was going through and analyzed it from a gentle, non-judgmental perspective. Because guess what? Your productivity, your fleeting feelings, your fleeting thoughts, your expectations for yourself, your ego. These are not you. Your self-worth is independent of any of the above.
It all boils down to trust, and unconditional love for yourself. After all, the single person you spend the most time with is yourself. So, why not make a friend out of yourself? You are your best friend. You must also be the greatest advocate of yourself. Release the doubt against yourself, and enjoy and learn as much as you possibly can from this incredible adventure called life.